Nothing seems right anymore

Is this what it feels like to be lost, to have no hope, to be angry at the world? Ever since you died i have been in the dark, nothing makes sense. The world seems off kilter and i don’t know how to stop from spinning out of control. Everyone in our family mourns you everyday, still, and how could we not? You were the light in all of our lives. You brought intelligence, humor and love into all of our lives on a daily basis. I feel like there’s a cloud over me ever since you’ve gone and i know everyone feels that way too. I never wanted to believe in god or heaven or any of that before you left but now that you’re gone i want to believe you are somewhere looking down on us and that you are in a good place. I want you to watch me leave for college and to smile that i am pursuing my dream for myself. You and grandma and my mom have been my biggest supporters since i was born, shoving opportunity after opportunity into my lap, giving me all the things i need to succeed. I find myself not caring about anything or anyone except grandma and mom. Nothing seems right anymore and i don’t know how else to explain it. You were the thing that balanced our family, the glue at reunions, at holidays, at birthdays, on vacations and now that you’re gone we cant move on. Still three months later it still can’t be real. You are still here with me, i feel it in my heart but my brain tells me different. Quite honestly I’ve lost a lot of hope and charisma and i don’t feel like the happy person i was even four months ago. A lot has changed and a lot of people have left, but i’m trying my best every day to find something good in people. To try and live the life you would have wanted me to. To go to college, and get a fantastic job. You taught every single person in this family so many lessons every single day, you were full of knowledge about seriously, every topic. I miss you, i miss seeing you reading in your chair, i miss seeing you in your robe eat waffles, drinking coffee and reading the morning paper. Nothing makes sense! I’m so fucking lost i don’t know what direction to turn next, i feel like i’m just alive and i’m not living. My whole damn life is sideways and i feel like no one will ever understand. When i talk to people about it they say  “I’m so sorry” but that doesn’t mean anything because no one knew you like your family and none of us will be the same. No one can say anything to lighten this pain because its so deep and so dark because something is just not right.  You should be here with us, having breakfast, reading, making jokes, talking to me about college. Now i can sit by your flowers and tell you all about it while somewhere inside me hopes you are listening somewhere just not able to respond. For now i feel like i’m in a deep hole that i can’t get out of but i’m going to try and find a way. I’ve made decisions that i probably wouldn’t have made four months ago but more often than not, i’m saying: life is short and i’m going to do things i want while i can.

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