Currently

I haven’t been here long but it already feels like home. Adjusting to being here was easier than i thought and I’ve made more friends than i imagined. I have a group of friends on my floor that i’m growing closer with, and i think I’ve found a little group that i can hang out with. I’m happy that i have two people that i know that i can count on to listen to me if i need it and to laugh endlessly with on the weekends. Were planning a trip to Disneyland for spring break and were going to hopefully be driving down there and maybe Shaye can come. This year has so much potential and i’m so excited to see what i do and how much i can accomplish. I have done very well in all of my exams thus far and i’m so thankful that I have studied as hard as i have and stuck to studying rather than partying. I thought college would be so much partying and that i would go crazy and be wild but i feel content with hanging out in the dorms with my two close friends playing games and just being together. I don’t want to risk being caught and charged with an MIP so, i don’t know…it just doesn’t seem worth it. Everything here is so different from back home but it’s starting to feel more like “home” a third home at best ( because shayes is my second). We are all learning our annoyances and finding our place on this floor and learning what to and not to say and what gets on our nerves. So many people are not motivated here and so many people just don’t think their deadlines are so important so they just go out and don’t do their homework. I feel happy with how everything is going right now and i hope things last like this. I know if my Papa was here he’d be asking all about it and asking me to be louder, ugh some things are just so hard. I haven’t cried since the day i moved in and a couple of days ago i had to leave a room for a second because it just hit me. Everything is hitting so hard and everything is moving so fast i just want time to slow down and i want to savor freshman year and i just wanted to talk to my grandpa, and know that my grandma is happy and doing well. It seems every since his passing that everybody in our family just has a dark gloom over their lives and no one has much to say but everyone talks to fill the sad silence. Our papa was seriously the glue to our family and i don’t think anyone i explain it to gets it. He was…just. Such a family man and every day his service and funeral runs through my head and all the emotions flood back and my chest gets heavy and i push it to the back of my throat. I don’t want to ever forget him and i know i never will, such a respectable, smart, loving man up until the day he passed. It seems a little easier to talk about it these days but sometimes its harder than i expect. This is what he would have wanted for me, to be in college and to be doing well. And i hope that if there is any form of an afterlife that he is watching over every one in this family and smiling at us. I guess after his passing i understood why people believe in a God. People want to have faith that this isn’t the end of their journey and that they are safe somewhere. They want to know that their loved one is okay. And i get that now. Life moves on and i’m choosing to stay in the past for the time being and to have faith that everything is okay. College is good and my family is good as well, i’m just living in the moment right now and trying to soak up every second of this experience. I find it hard to open up to people because i don’t want my breath to be wasted and i want to find the right people to share my story with, i don’t want a boyfriend and i don’t want to hurt again i want to find someone who loves me but i find it hard to believe that anyone will love me again and i cant let someone in as far as i did. I’m taking everything day by day still and like I’ve said some days are harder than others and i’m becoming okay with being down sometimes and taking a second to gather myself. I am strong and i have built a support system of people that i can count on and i think that is going to be the key to my success and mental health here. My life is getting better day by day and i’m happy to say that i CAN do this.

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