Where i’m at

I guess i could say that my mental health is on the up and up and i’m happy about that. I’ve found my own group of people at school to bring me up and to keep me happy. I met a guy here and that is going very well. But its scary. Its scary to invest yourself into another relationship after your heart has been shattered and you never thought you’d be the same. Its still hard to talk about..and maybe that’s a sign that i shouldn’t even be considering another legitimate relationship but my heart wants to be loved again. Why do i lack the ability to love myself? Why do i cling to anyone who gives me attention, whether it be good or bad attention? I have been surrounded by love from my mom my whole entire life, nothing but unconditional love and yet somehow i feel empty when no one is there to tell me they love me, i feel the need to be constantly showered with affection and emotion or else i don’t feel a sense of self worth. Is that bad? I don’t know…but…somehow people seem to like me and i’m not sure why. I don’t see any thing within myself and that’s sad. I feel like i’m so sad inside my head yet i come across so happy and energized all the time but quiet honestly i feel empty in my head. When i was going to therapy, it was for the disintegrating relationship that was lost between my grandparents and i and sometimes with my dad and a lot of what the therapist told me was that it wasn’t my fault and that i needed to love myself, and people always say that before you can love someone you need to love yourself and i have never found the ability to do that. I cant find anything to love and i can’t seem to see someone who is capable of loving themselves without the approval and love from someone else. It’s hard to find it in me to love anyone at this point, to find someone i enjoy enough to love but somehow i find one person that i connect with and don’t let go…is that bad? idk. I have a deep need to be loved and cared for by somebody and maybe that stems from the problems i still have with my grandparents and with my dad but that’s unfortunate because i’m never comfortable in my own head loving myself. I never feel good enough, i never want to be alone because if i’m alone i feel like ill be that way for forever. Maybe i’m complaining about petty first world problems but to me it seems like one of the biggest parts of my life. My life socially and physically is good, i’m in college getting an education and making new friends but sometimes i get lost in my head and forget to be grateful. There is so much in my life that i love and so much that i’m thankful for just sometimes its hard to see that side of things when all you see is grey.

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