Life’s weird lately

What are all good for, really? I’m on this journey as an 18 year old trying to find out who i want to be and what i want to do and who i like and dislike and it’s harder than i thought it would be. It’s harder than i thought it would be to be away from home and be without any affection from my mom. I feel like all we did was argue and yell but i feel myself missing her when its quiet and i need something to do to keep me busy. Life seemed chaotic at home for the last 5 years and it seemed like i would never get out and be free and now that i’m out and free i just want to go back for five seconds and live in my house and then get yelled at and be ready to come back. Is it weird to miss being yelled at? I crave constant attention and fear i’m not good enough for anyone but then sometimes i think i’m too good for people. I feel like my heart is too big and too open to love somebody because i feel like no one will appreciate me for how much i’m worth. Then some days i realize i’m just complete trash with stupid problems and need to stop closing people off and that it’s okay to open up to people sometimes. I’m trying to be open and to share my life with people because its okay to do that and its okay to let people in, i guess i’m just scared of them not truly caring about what i’m saying and blowing it off. We accept the love and attention we think we deserve and i let people treat me like shit and i have been doing that since i lived with my ex step dads son. His son and him were both so hurtful but in different ways and its weird to think that the memories i have of both of them are concrete memories and that i, me, Lanie lived with them and that’s a part of my life i wont get back. His son took every word i said and made me feel dumb for even opening my mouth and treats me (still) with such disrespect and i put up with it. I even see myself putting up with shit attitudes from people on my floor. The lack of respect from people in this world is real and i cant believe how crazy people actually are in thinking that that’s okay. My life is going really good i just get caught up in my head most of them time, thinking way too deeply about things that probably don’t matter but i seem to find a way for them to seep into my head. Academically i’m doing very well and staying on top of all my assignments and making sure that school comes first and i don’t get caught up in just hanging out with people because here its easy to let your guard down and go hangout with people rather than studying but I’ve done well at not losing sight of why i’m actually here at college and remembering to be smart about my decisions. My mom is coming up to visit next weekend and i’m so excited about that, i haven’t seen her since move in day! Which was September 16th, i’m pretty everyone on my floor that i’ve talked to has seen their family at least once this quarter so far but me haha. My family was gone in Disneyland during parents weekend so they weren’t here for that and everyone else usually goes home for a weekend or two every so often but i don’t live close enough and i don’t have a car so its a lose-lose. But i think emotionally its better for me to not see my family every weekend so i don’t start to miss them as much. Life is good just stuck in my head tonight as usual. Also the election is tomorrow and i’m scared for that. #imwithNasty

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