Things im realizing

This quarter of college is almost over, i leave in a week for Thanksgiving break in Oregon, and then after that i only have two weeks left of the quarter and then i’m home until January. I’m just realizing how fast life is moving and how little control i have over it all. It seems like a month ago i was counting down the days until i got to leave for move in day and now i’m counting down the days until i can see my family and Shaye for thanksgiving. Life is moving so much faster than it ever has, and i’m partially thankful for that and also scared because of it. How the election already happened and Trump is the elected candidate, i don’t have the energy to get into that right now though, and how do i have to make my winter quarter schedule already. I’m so scared for the future in all honesty. In the moment everything is figured out right now but in three months time i’m going to be in a different place doing different things, having different expectations for myself. I’m realizing that this will be the first Thanksgiving we have without Papa and even though i’m so excited for this break i need to remember that everyone in our family is still grieving, even me. But for them its something so much deeper, as sad as i still am i know its so much harder for them because that was their father, their husband for 60+ years. All i find myself talking about is him and that’s okay. Apparently my moms parents are moving close to my great grandma which makes us all cringe. My moms mom didn’t come to our Papas funeral because it was too stressful to see all her kids and grand kids there. Oh my fucking god writing about this brings back so much hate and boiling anger i can’t. My mom’s parents are Jehovah’s Witnesses which is a fucking cult where you are brainwashed from day one to dedicate your entire life and being to god and to only please him, to not go to college, not have any friends and no intimate relationships no celebrating holidays or birthdays because you’ll lose sight of whats important. Anyway, like 5 years ago they decided they weren’t going to have any contact with any of us anymore. My whole life, my moms whole life we had a relationship with them but i think my mom was waiting until the right time to get the fuck out of there, but there wasn’t really a good opportunity until i was like 12. I was really close with them my whole life, they were a constant force in my life that (mostly…) supported me. And when we left they kind of still talked to us and i didn’t realize what was going on. They decided my freshman year to leave completely and not have any contact with any of us and quite honestly at them time i thought it was like a joke and that they ‘d talk to me eventually, how could they not? I was their grandchild, i grew up with them. But they never did, they never called, never texted there was nothing ever else after that. Until my Great Papa got sick. His whole family, my great grandma, aunts, uncles, my mom my cousins, everyone was there except my grandma. She refused to come and see him during his last days because she couldn’t bare seeing all of us after she decided we couldn’t be part of their life. I can still see everything in the church from that day. It makes my chest heavy and makes me hot and i cant stop myself from crying. Its still fresh in my heart and i cant imagine how my great grandma feels. Jesus Christ that was by far the worst day of my life thus far. I had absolutely no interest in being involved with a religion because of my grandparents fucking me up because of god in the first place but when he passed away i wanted to know he was somewhere and i wanted know that he was ok. I wanted to believe in a god for his sake, i wanted to feel closer to him now that hes gone. One of the hardest parts about this is i keep thinking ill see him at thanksgiving, because it doesn’t set in until i’m in Oregon, until i’m in the place he would be in. I could go on and on for hours about how i’m feeling and whats wrong but i won’t because it makes me so sad and exhausted. Life will be better but i will always have this heavy ache in heart and i know that when my great grandma passes away that will be a whole separate fucking level of heartache and i cant think about that right now. I think i put myself in a deep enough rut all the time of sadness and thought that i don’t need any more sadness than i already bestow on myself.

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