Who am I lately?

So many things have been going on in my life lately and nothing seems to slow down. Assignments are due left and right and people are begging to be comforted and feelings are demanding to be felt and memories are kicking at my door and I’ve been trying to push these things under the rug and trying to focus on school and making it through this first year of college. There has been drama among friends, conflicts between people in our building and it’s awkward and I find myself lost in the midst of it all. I’ve started going to counseling on campus because in the ruins of this election I found myself feeling depressed and lost and alone on campus here in Eastern Washington where (not everyone) a lot of people are conservative, regardless of what they say about this being one of the most diverse campus’s, people are still close minded and its hard for me to really accept that. I started off going to this counseling talking about the election talking about how I feel alone here and not really connected with people who have the same values as I do. As we talk about me getting out and trying to find some clubs that are more in tune with what I believe and feel but as we dig deeper into the root as to why I don’t want to really put myself out there and there’s a big part of me that doesn’t like to do things alone, i’m not as independent as I would like to think and I feel more comfortable when someone is with me and through a lot of self reflection I seem to harbor a lot of worth and feelings among guys who give me attention, whether that be looks, or compliments, or sex, or even a fucking smile when I walk by. I don’t know why I depend so much on peoples attention and I feel comfortable when people are showing me attention. I take any sort of attention i’m given and run with it for a million years. I look for love in the wrong places and I cope with these issues in unhealthy ways. I used to drink a lot and think that that would fix all my issues because when you’re drunk you don’t feel the pain that you feel when you’re sober and life is just in the moment and you laugh because you can’t cry and you live more in the moment and forget the things that are pressing on your mind from every corner. I quickly realized that this is not the way to deal with things and alcohol is not they key to my problems and although I wish it were healthy and legal (lol) it’s not and it’s not what i need. I try and manifest unhealthy relationships and it just ends up being me desperate for love and desperate for a genuine human connection and me overthinking everything. I do hate having to talk about my break up because in that aspect i’m giving someone who hurt me, so much power, to control my everyday actions and my emotions day to day. I don’t know how else to cope with this feeling of loneliness and sadness other than replacing what I had with more intimacy that isn’t legitimate. I don’t know how to deal with my pain and to turn this into something that doesn’t effect me so much but I put too much into people who don’t deserve me and I give the most vulnerable part of me and I hate myself for that. I hate myself for getting undressed for people I don’t truly know, I hate myself for pushing people away and I hate myself for ending things in August.

Life could be worse though.

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