Spiraling

Just like that freshman year is over and i’m home working 40 hour weeks and walking on eggshells to not piss my mom off and i’m trying to get enough sleep and maintain relationships with people who i wont see over summer and i’m trying to have some fun but its hard to balance everything. Nothing slows down and i say that all the time but it’s true, if it’s not one thing then it something else. A month ago i thought i was sick with an STD, then i thought i was pregnant and stressing out about it every single day. Now i’m calling the doctor to get the results of my STD test and i have another week of work and i’m tired. I am just tired. I am tired of feeling this emptiness, this uselessness. What am i doing here on this planet, i’m just another human doing absolutely nothing to impact the planet or society in general. How do i do this shit? How do i do more than exist. Nothing feels like it matters anymore and i genuinely don’t like anybody. Either someone is too nosy or not nosy enough, or too much of a fucking airhead or too smart for me, or i care too much about them or they don’t care enough about me. How the fuck do i balance everything. How do i change myself into someone who doesn’t rely on someone to feel important. I miss the relationships i had a year ago and i miss feeling loved by the people i’m surrounded by. My family is great and i have everything i need and i’m cared for and taken care of but sometimes it feels like i’m an outsider in the family and they wish that they were their own family. Before my sister and my stepdad it was me and my mom in our apartment and i was her only focus and that’s something i’ll cherish forever because as soon as other people came in it was a big family and now her focus shifted to my sister and my stepdad mostly and i’m still left confused about it all. She cares so much for them both and has so much patience for them both and so much love and compassion and then gets mad at me for small things like cracking my knuckles next to her. When is it my turn for the love she shows my other family? They go everywhere together and i feel awkward going places with them because its like me and then them three and i don’t like to jump in in their conversations and be weirdly in the middle. I’m either in my room or at my friends house but no matter where i go it seems that people always have something negative to say. Her family shits on me going to school yet works a dead-end public service job. I’m still young and still trying to figure out what i want from people and who i genuinely am as a person and its hard to do that when i feel lost most of the time. I still find myself comparing every guy i meet to the one I miss the most and comparing everything they do to what i used to have and asking myself why the fuck I was so set on experimenting with people. I’m so mad and will be so mad at myself for deciding that that was a good idea. It still hurts, no matter how much i tell myself that it doesn’t, it still hurts and i still miss everything we did and all the places we used to go, the silent dinners we had when all we did was talk with our eyes and just enjoy each others presence. Nothing feels worth investing in because nothings going to last with someone and I really don’t know how to move past that. I find someone that i like to talk to and then something just really doesn’t click and then its over and i feel like i just wasted my energy on it and why the fuck did i do that, because obviously it wasn’t going to work out so why the fuck did i think breaking up was a good idea, why did i want to see if there was something better something that made me wild and crazy like we used to be together. There isn’t I had all the love i needed right in front of me and i swept it away. I pushed it away. I pushed him away. I don’t really know what the point of life is and i don’t really care, i just want it all to be over.

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