Stuck

Most of the time I can deal with being sad and feeling depressed, but sometimes everything seems to crash down on me and i cant seem to feel anything but empty. Being home is fun and i love being with my friends, or one friend rather and working is a good distraction but i just cant seem to get out of this fucking place i’m in. I’ve tried to write about this so many times but each time it just comes out choppy and none of it makes sense, because why after almost a full year apart do i still feel like my heart is ripped into pieces. Why after almost a year do i still cry about it, why do i still feel so fucking empty and alone. I’ve been in like one “relationship” if you can even call it that since we broke up and it was horrible and awkward and i regret every second of it. I thought i had maybe found someone i could get to know and like but it just ended in us making out while we were drunk and him never texting me back. It’s so confusing and it makes my mind go absolutely crazy because while we were drunk he was so nice and caring and didn’t want me to get hurt and made sure i was safe, and held my hand as we walked so i didn’t fall over and held me all night and then when i woke up it was like i was the stranger he never wanted to talk to, when we woke up it was like he regretted even touching me in the first place. It was like he would never have even talked to me if he was sober but since we were both drunk it clouded his judgement and we made out and then when we woke up it was like “Why the fuck did i do that with her” the way he acted towards me when we were both drunk made me feel happy again and gave me this sort of tickling feeling in my stomach, like maybe life wasn’t so bad after all and it gave me hope that someone as perfect and nice as him could like me in some sort of way. But when it was morning, it was like it never happened and he wanted to forget about it and like he was embarrassed at who i was and embarrassed that he would even go near me. I’ve felt gross about myself ever since, what did i do wrong? What is wrong with me? What can i be so he will like me? He gave me a drunk inch and i took a sober mile, does that even make sense. I keep manifesting these “connections” thinking there is something to be had but the reality is that a lot of times people genuinely don’t care about you and that in all honesty my life has no meaning to anyone except myself at this point. Why do i let people control my emotions like this, why do i latch onto any attention and run with it. I hate myself and although i would never actually kill myself i wouldn’t be complaining if something did happen lol. How fucking dark. What is the point of life you know? I’m not smart, not pretty, not funny, not talented and fucking cry at the drop of a hat and i’m fucking ugly. I got invited to a party the other night and i literally didn’t go because i’m so much uglier than all of them and don’t fit in so i just stayed home and cried about it. How do i stop being sad, therapy and counseling doesn’t help, i went all during the year last year and it was nice to be able to talk to someone who validates what i’m feeling but i can never seem to get a hold of my feelings and fix myself. Why am i so broken.

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